A renowned author was given a sound ticking off last night by Metropolitan Police officers after allegedly standing on the pavement outside a private Chelsea hospital, and shouting in a loud voice that he demanded to see for himself, Cheryl Tweedy's vagina.
The author, allegedly a failed Bolivian revolutionary from La Paz, currently seeking asylum in the UK, apparently told officers that he'd been staring 100,000 points in the face on popular satirical website theSpoof.com, and that he'd have made it, had Cheryl Tweedy publicised her vagina a bit more, and got a bloody grip.
The man, who gave his name as Colonel Juan, remonstrated with police officers when challenged. Claiming that he, of all people had a divine right to view the divine Chezza chuff, as he was the individual responsible for making it famous.
PC Do Watt John, of the Met, told a Skoob News reporter:
"He told us he was out celebrating his all time Spoof record points tally, with his crack addled daughter, when the idea struck him that he really should get a look at Ms Tweedy's muff. Apparently the idea came to him when he got a taco to eat on the go, on his way to the taxi rank. For some reason, the lettuce and minced beef chilli reminded him of a minge - especially with the baby tomato garnish. Who knows what goes on in these people's heads? But I let him off with a caution because he was relatively sober, quite good natured, and to be honest - he didn't seem to be fixated with Cheryl Tweedy's naked perfectly packed doner kebab. So I gave him a ticking off and sent him on his way."
Skoob News's top reporter immediately tracked the Colonel's home address down and ventured into the murky depths of West London.
Locating the address, and ringing the doorbell, our man was greeted by the contents of a chamber pot deposited from an upper storey window over his head, and the admonition:
"I don't give a fuck about Cheryl Tweedy's vagina! Nor do I give a hoot about bloody spoof points. Now be off with you! You fucking big great daft soppy looking fucking twerp! And while we're at it - I'd get that thumb looked at if I were you. Which, thank God I'm not. Now be off with you! You cunt!"
At which point, this reporter made his excuses, wiped the piss off his head and fucked off - with as much fucking decorum as he could fucking muster.
Colonel fucking Juan - I've shit him.
More as we get it.