Brighton, UK. Labor Party Headquarter and the Prime Minister have formally announced that squirrels will be Tony Blair's candidates for the upcoming election in May 2005. The political stir was enacted yesterday as 7 former Labor squirrels were permitted to rejoin the party after a 10 year absence.
A labor party spokesperson, James Garforth, explained the decision as a chance for Labor to ‘gain new incites into animal rights' while bringing a ‘fresh' type of leadership in May. In the meantime, the squirrels are to chair new committees that will search for a common ground between humans and the British animal kingdom: a top priority being set for illegal smuggling laws that permit foreign animals to enter the country without customs checks. ‘Our beliefs have always been that news is best straight from the horse's mouth,' Garforth stressed ‘and squirrels were the top of our list when it came to including furry rodentia.'
Despite there being a strongly anticipated move to permit new kinds of members, the decision to let them run as party candidates shocked many back benchers. ‘I'm surprised by the PM's move, no doubt about that,' commented one ‘but I and my constituency have been pushing for stronger background checks for new members. It seems logical that only the squirrels could pass them.' Gordon Brown, though refusing to comment, has been described by those around him as ‘more pissed off at Blair than Saddam'.
The squirrels, booted out for ‘hygiene reasons' (they attract pigeons), have expectedly welcomed the candidation plan. All former squirrel positions were reinstated and a new program for flea collars and pigeon guns has been introduced too. ‘Nitter, natter, nitter. Nitter,' oscillates Fluffy, new minister of mislaid nuts, ‘Screech. Nitter….' Animal activists have also applauded the PM's action. ‘I think squirrels should be allowed to join labor' says one Laina Harrison, devout tree-hugging hippie and do-gooder, ‘they've got as much right to it as everybody else!'
Conservatives and UKIP have mimicked the Labor plan, announcing that they intend to allow snakes and sharks to apply for party membership to insure like-mindedness and a ‘true quest for blood, justice, and the republican way'.