Written by The Medium Cheese
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Friday, 9 July 2010

In the last week, Northumbria police have called on criminal psychologists and survival experts to help them locate suspected killer Raoul Moat, without success.

But then, octopus keeper Hans Acht, at the german Sea Life centre put an ordnance survey map of the Rothbury area into the tank of his psychic octopus Paul, who had already correctly predicted the results of several world cup games.

Acht told us: "Paul reached aut and touched a part of de map. We made a note of it and passed it onto de Britischer police"

The observant octopus had pointed at a storm drain in the middle of Rothbury, in the middle of the search area. Police rushed there on receiving the tip-off, and caught Mr Moat on the river bank. A standoff began, tragically ending six hours later.

Acting Geordie constable Tosh Lyons told reporters: "Its a bit embarassing that we had every coppa in Britain surrounding the village, and it turned out that Raoul was there all the time. Bastadd."

Hans Acht is delighted to be receiving a £10,000 reward for his tip off. "It should really go to Paul", he said in very good English, but with quite a strong German accent, a bit like Arnie Schwarzenegger, "but one thing he doesn't know is how to spend money - I'll be joking all de way to de benk"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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