Written by matthatt
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Thursday, 8 July 2010

image for Tooled up cavemen indicate increase in knife crime figures since 2000BC
No tiger attacks, shitloads of stabbings, but no tiger attacks

Researchers have discovered stone tools in Norfolk, UK, that suggest that early humans arrived in Britain nearly a million years ago - or even earlier.

Ever since then, knife crime has been on the increase.

In 2000BC alone there were a dozen fatal stabbings, compared to being gored by a sabre toothed tiger which was significantly higher for instance, where as last year on the streets of London, sabre tooth tiger mauling fell by a staggering 100% but knife crime was up 3 fold.

The commissioner of the metropolitan police in London town said that measures to limit attacks on the public by prehistoric predators were obviously effective but said he 'is dismayed that the press do not focus more on where the Metropolitan police get it right.'

David Cameron chimed in with his four'penneth to say that this new evidence that has only just come to light, is something that he has been working on with the police for some time, but in secret, and hasn't told anyone about until now, when it was relevant, but just goes to show that his government has made great strides since coming into power and as a result, people are safer from all manner of savaging committed by these good for nothing Neolithic carnivores.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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