Written by Herr Riballs
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Wednesday, 7 July 2010

Health chiefs were left red faced today after it emerged that an undisclosed London Hospital was turned into a film set for a porn movie.

Medical staff and patients alike were outraged to learn that Ward G3 was hired out to shoot sleazy porn flick Casualtitty; a sick reference and play on words to the popular tv medical drama Casualty.

Bed

One elderly patient told us "No wonder there's a bed shortage in the NHS. Now we know why. Porn stars are hogging them" .

He continued "I thought my medication was playing tricks on me when I saw the doctor doing her ward visit wearing crotchless panties and carrying a bag of dildos" he reflected.

Moaning
 
Another patient, fighting back tears, told us "I was shoved in a side ward then noticed sound engineers, lighting technicians, naked women and men with moustaches and wearing flares heading towards my bed" she recalled.

"The next thing I heard was some weird Seventies music followed by moaning and shrieking. I was told not to worry and that it was just a patient with bad toothache. It must have been bad cos I heard at least 6 different people moaning that day" she went on.

It has come to light that it was this patient's bed that was used in the sordid scenes.

Anger

Porn director Bud Everett reacted angrily to claims they had used up hospital beds.

"There was only one scene where a bed was used" he raged. " And we went through the proper channels. We were on the NHS waiting list for two years for that bed" he argued. " Besides, most of the scenes were shot on the top of the microwave in the staff canteen where, clearly, a bed was not required" he told us.

Health Minister Steffi Scope defended the decision to use the hospital in the cash for wards scandal. "Lack of funding has always been a problem in the NHS. This is just one way we can gain some revenue with our partners in the sex industry" she said.

Filming starts on the adjoining ward next week for hotly awaited sequel, Holby Titty.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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