Written by armfeetandtoe

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Tuesday, 6 July 2010

image for Lady Godiva Sails Round Hyde Park Serpentine Single Handed
Lady Godiva takes a well earned bath

Friends, family and a bloke from Middlesborough, celebrated the return of Booker Prize Winning writer Lady Godiva.

As her peddalo arrived at the key side in Hyde Park, a very tired Lady Godiva said she was glad to be back on dry land.

From a hut not far away, a man shouted; "Where the bleedin ell ave you bin!? You owe me £75!
What started out as a bit of a joke, turned into one of the worlds most daring sailing adventures.

Lady Godiva explained; "I have never sailed before, and some friends on a day out to Hyde Park, suggested taking a peddalo out on the Serpentine. I laughed, because I could not even swim! but I agreed and hired the boat for £5.00 an hour. Little did I know what was in store for me"!

Lady G got into her peddalo on Saturday afternoon, she was given a gentle push away from the key side, and an experienced voice said to her "Dont bleedin go unda the bridge, or your get stuk an it will cost yu extra" Laughing off the warning, Lady G set sail into the unknown.

"I sailed toward the middle of the lake, and realised I did not have a compass, so I used my nose, and got completely lost. I ended up going under the bridge and I thought that was my lot! Then it got very dark, and started to rain.

"I could hear someone calling me, "Where are you, you silly cow"! but I could not reply, I was half way through a Salmon sandwich".

It was now pitch black, and raining, the wind was howling and the waves were at least 1 feet tall. Lady Godiva lay asleep, exhausted in the peddalo.

"I heard a noise, and woke, I thought it was a leak in the boat, in fact, it was a wino taking a leak in the boat! Despite the desperate weather, I started to peddle in the direction of the tea rooms, at one point I ran aground but managed to keep going, then horror! I broke a finger nail"!

With no medical kit on board, and a stiff peddle, Lady Godiva kept sailing, the rain began to fill the boat, and the smell of urine did not help. But, she soldiered on.

"I peddled hard and fast, The morning sun was shining on my face, and I thought, Oh my god! my make up will run! It was day two, and I was determined to make it back to the quayside and win this battle for survival".

Lady Godiva pressed on, enduring pain from her blisters and the volley of empty beer cans being thrown at her by the drunks around the lake.

"By the afternoon of the second day, I could just about make out the shape of an ice cream van in the distance. I knew I was on the home run, and had to make a real effort. Plus, those fukin drunks were now throwing stones at me".

Peddling with an air of urgency, and a hairdo that needed urgent attention, Lady G hoved into view, and the crowd on the quayside went crazy! "Where the fuck you been"! they chanted.

"I will remember feeling so elated as I drew up to the quayside, the smell from my armpits was horrendous, and the caviar had gone off, so I was very happy to climb out of the peddalo onto dry land and into the arms of my family and a gang of drunks. I will never sail again, well, maybe to the Isle of Wight.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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