Clarence House, London Monday 4 April - (Mess Association) This week's Royal Wedding has been cancelled according to a statement issued today in London on behalf of Prince Charles, Pretender to the Throne of Great Britain.
The move sent tsunami-like shockwaves across the world and caused severe fluctuations on spread-betting websites on the internet which had reported record business centred on this Friday's proposed events.
Instead, the statement continued, His Altitude will fly to Rome along with other members of the global Gelli clan to attend the funeral of his father Peter Gelli, long time accomplice of the late Ronnie Raygun, secret assassin of JP the First , mastermind of the Banco Ambrosiano collapse, Enron emeritius consultant auditor and former head of the notorious P45 Lodge (tax exemption division).
It is understoood, however, that His Royal Pretence will not be sitting next to his blood mother Raine on the Riggs Airways flight to the Apostolic Capital this Friday. And that he has specifically ordered that she is confined to the steerage section of the plane, along with ex-Sussex MP Howard Flight, fellow Tory MP Ann Widdecombe, Ms Heather Mills McCartney, General Pinochet's gastro-intestinal physician Senor Belli-Rumble and forty three alsatians bound for the Swiss Guard's canine protection division.
The news was greeted with glee as crowds gathered outside the Diana, Princess of Wales Memorial Fountian tragedy site in London's Hype Park Corner ahead of preparations for Friday's solemn Solar Eclipse Ablutions Ceremony, which is to be televised live across the globe as a tribute to the late Princess's devotion to astrologically-co-ordinated colonic irrigation procedures. It is understood that former Bush Administration Secretary of State Colon Bowel has confirmed he will accept the long-conferred role of Master of Ceremonies for the event and will be sporting his official robes as Knight of Order of the Gutter on the day.
Meanwhile in Rome a spokesman for the JP2 Lodge has confirmed that in accordance with the late Pontiff's last will and testicle, his remains will be cremated on a specially built funeral pyre on the Via D'Oloroso and then despatched by carrier pidgeon to his natal town of Odessa where they will be scattered on a family vegetable patch. "Runner beans and green peas. ....It's what he would have wanted", said a Nuncio, "and will solve the problem of tomb maintenance on an already over-crowded part of the Vatican's national mausoleum site."