Barbers throughout Britain are preparing for legislation making all cuts between 25 and 40%.*
In a tough crackdown, all beards and wigs will go.* These restrictions are set to save the British economy which has come within a hair's breadth of double dip recession.
'We must avoid the double dip at all costs' said a grim John Osborne, the Chancellor and former famous Angry Young Man 'it is dangerous to have two dips so close together.' Fears are mounting of skinny dips, the plague of all economies, when the bare bottom of stagnation causes irretrievable damage.
Osborne knows his policy must succeed or the Coalition is for the high jump - a suicidal dive which means the dip can lead to fatal consequences.
As the haircuts bite we can expect rising unemployment among shampoo manufacturers. A leading hair designer, Vidal Bassoon, advised that the fall out from this dastardly policy would endanger human rights,leading to trouble with Europe.
Human rights campaigners, hoping the Liberals would stand for civil liberty, feel deserted by Clegg's resolute defence of these horrific cuts.
The Labour Party, who, it can be revealed, had similar plans for haircuts if they had won the election, are nonetheless slamming the Government.
'This policy will hit women much harder than men' said Anne Robinson on behalf of the Party 'this is vicious anti-feminist male chauvinist discrimination.'
Confident that the Government is hair today but gone tomorrow, the Opposition is getting ready for power.
*with the exception of Bankers and those earning over £1 million pounds a year