Vatican City, Sunday 3 April, 2005 - (Rioters) Italian soothsayers warned today that the wrath of the Almighty will be upon the peoples of the Earth unless world politicians repent right away and open up the security and intelligence files they have consistently withheld on the familes of Adolf Hitler and Joseph Stalin, allegedly whitewashed to spare the blushes of the late Ronald Reagan and his decrepid old toad of a widow Nancy.
In a carefully worded statement, the Seers and Soothsayers Union said that all the prophecies of all religions of all times concurred that the recent passing away of the Anti-Christ meant that the Seventh Seal of the Apocalyptical Tabernacle would now be smashed open, revealing the Creator's total dispeasure with humans - and especially the kith and kin of the Pretender to the British Throne and his Intended, Mrs Nosy Parker Bowles:
"The next public figure to kick the bucket will be the Great Whore of Babylon, sister of the Anti-Christ, scion of Adolf Hitler and reluctant wedding participant at the forthcoming House of Windsor nuptials at Slough Crematorium. This will occur within 24 hours unless humanity turns its back on deception, humbuggery and the tyrannical reign of the Poodle Brothers' spin machine".
The news was greeted with dismay at Buckingham Palace where the flock of her Majesty's Corgis has already been groomed and medicated at London's Royal Flea Hospital in preparations for the wedding celebrations.
A spokesman for the Prime Minister's Office at No 10 Downing Street denied that there was any concern in the Labour Government at the doom and gloom cast by the prediction - which has stated categorically that a suite of dungeons at the Tower of London was already reserved for Tony Blair and his wife Cherry Bush QC and that an executioner was being flown in from a specialised Sharia Law Enforcement Zone to dispense instant Bibilcal justice.
But the Soothsayers Union remained stoically unimpressed and warned that the astrological omens of the day spoke volumes: "Today's opposition between the Sun and Jupiter in the Cardinal signs of Aries and Libra can lead to only one thing: a goddawful mess will come to a head between these Cardinals as the Aries solar eclipse on Friday draws ever nearer.
"Heaven help the Great Pretender, his biological mother Raine and his de-facto mother. Not to mention Heather Mills and Andrew Morton, without whose indispensable co-operation the whole production of this show would have been impossible."