Police were called to the Lady Labido Tea Rooms in Ventnor this afternoon when a fight broke out between two local gangs.
When the Isle Of Wight riot squad arrived, both police officers had a hard time containing the warring factions.
PC Parkintiket described the scene, "When the van pulled up, me and the team leapt out to be confronted by the gangs throwing cakes, buns and soggy tea bags at each other.
PC Hundcuff, who has dealt with gang fights in the past said; "The problem is, the PG TIPS gang and the MR KIPLIN MOB don't see eye to eye. There is only one tea room round here, and the gang that rules this venue has the power".
Standing outside the tea rooms in handcuffs, head bowed, Mrs Ethel Spond 98, said; "It ain't right, jus cos I is da gang leader, I gets all da grief, init. We wos not dem dat started it, it wus der Kiplin mob, dey disrispect me bredrin by sayin dey colostemy bags is naff".
Asked by this reporter how the fight started, Kiplin mob gang member, Mrs Aida Funnel, 83 said, "Dem PGs is der worse, man, I an me bredrin wus chilin wid der tea an french fancies wen dem come at Albert wiv a sponge cake! I mean, wot ya gonna do?, so we let dem raggamuffins ave it wiv der soggy tea bags".
Mayor Vernon Adcock said; "How very dare they! Just because a man likes to polish his nails and wear cologne, they assume he likes taking delivery round the back!
When told I was asking about the fight in Ventnor, he mused; "Oh! sorry dear, yes...terrible mess, I've told my Nan about hanging about with that mob."
Tea Room owner, Mrs Iris Batenburg said it was the same every pension day, they come here, spend all their money on tea and biscuits and then run riot. Last week, they attacked Vic Vaporub, because he would not let them into the supermarket to buy cat food.
Police are still cleaning the jam off of their uniforms.