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Topics: Scotland, Labour

Saturday, 2 April 2005

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Live from Scotland, where the Labour Party have been in power longer than any other political party on earth.

As part of the Scottish Executive's participation in the upcoming G8 summit at Gleneagles, Scottish First Minister Jack McConnel has outlined plans to give all users of the VisitScotland website complimentary postal ballots, which may be cast for The Unionist Labour Party in any number of Central belt marginals in the upcoming General Election.
The First Minister said,
"I wish to assure the people of the world that I and my ballot stuffing Labour brethren will spare no effort in protecting the people of Scotland from themselves,"
Observers commented that Scottish leader's performance was a marked improvement on last week, when the gathered media were unable to come up with a question for the First Minister without him having to get permission from London before he could answer. Local press assured their foreign colleagues that they didn't miss any newsworthy revelations as Jack McConnel has never been so foolish as to answer a question.
The Executive hopes the move will help repair the damage caused by last weeks diplomatic gaffe when Deputy First Minister Jim Wallace hinted that he thought the Canadians were racist for not wanting to give all their oil revenue and natural resources to Washington.
At the English launch of the Unionist Liberal Democrat manifesto Jim Wallace said,
"Look at Canada, I think it's discriminatory that they don't let the America do what they like with their natural resources. They should turn Canada into a big nuclear dump for their southern neighbour. "
Off the record at a private function for British Intelligence , newspaper editors and academics, Executive sources admitted,
"The Canadian's are almost as extreme as the Dutch. Do they have postal balloting in Holland? We'd love to get the Scottish Labour Party into power in that tiny impoverished wasteland. We'd transfer sovereignty to Berlin within months. The Dutch will rue the day they didn't think themselves inferior.


*The above communication has been authorized by London, any venturing into devolved issues is neither intended or implied, should the reader inadvertently absorb devolved information, please report the occurence to a Westminster MP in your regional national area.

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