Home Secretary, Theresa Might, has announced measures to drastically reduce Police numbers and red tape in the wake of the recent public sector cuts.
Presenting at the Police annual conference in Manchester she told delegates "Unlike New Labour, we have listened to the Great British Bobby, addressed their concerns and come up with this new comprehensive package. Essentially, going forward, we plan to eradicate Police on our streets."
"We may have one officer covering, say, Yorkshire, but it's early days yet" she continued.
Petty thief Nick Plunder, 24, from Chester le Street applauds the proposed changes. He told us "I will be able to utilize my skills without fear of being banged up in future. "And they ARE skills", he added. Everyone's got a skill. For example, common whores used to be called prostitutes. Now they are sex workers. This in itself reflects a dedicated chosen career path."Look,I get to feed my habit, I don't get violent and the pigs are freed up to catch proper crims and scallies." "It's a win-win situation and everyone's happy" he argued.
Benefit scrounger Kevin agrees. "This is a Godsend. Never again will I have to feign disability with that bloody limp. "It was starting to give me a GENUINE backache, he reflected". "Now I can claim my benefits and do a bit of plastering without the constant fear of beeing shopped by a meddling neighbour".
Not everyone was happy with the reforms, however. Serving officer Richard Claypole, 46, seethed "What next ? Are they going to take my patrol car off me and expect me to walk ? "It's just not on" he wailed. "What about when it's cold in winter ? I do the bacon butty run for the lads. I'll have to wrap up warm, WALK to the burger van and WALK back. The butties will be cold. Who wants cold bacon butties ? "Not only that, it's dark in winter and you just don't know who's knocking about" he moaned. "Mugged for 6 brekkies, two teas and 4 lattes. It's not what I signed up for"
Fellow officer Piotr Wasilewski, 34, agrees. Through his interpreter he explained "When I arrive in UK from Poland I see 'Could You' tv advert with Lennox Lewis. I think "Yes I Could" so I did". "Cushy number, 999 party nights, big pension, spare money to send back home to Traudl and the kids". "All gone", he moaned.
"At first, job easy. Stop speeding motorist, tick box. Fine dog foulers, tick box. Fine people throwing Curly Wurly wrapper on floor, tick box". "Now targets to catch nasty men". "I go back to Poland" he announces sadly. "And my interpreter also lose job" he added.
Race and Diversity training are expected to remain unaffected by the cuts.