A notorious gangland killer has been awarded nearly £50,000 of taxpayers money following reports of inadequate dental care at a top security prison.
Michael Steel, 82, speaking from his cell, defended the decision. "Look, I've waited 2 weeks for this tooth coming out and been in absolute agony"
He continued "Okay, Quaker Oats Porridge for breakfast and the soft croissants were fine but evening meal was a different thing altogether"
Visibly shaken he said "Look at this menu .. The pain I got trying to chew on that roasted rack of lamb with Rosemary Jus was unbelievable. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. For three nights on the run I had to make do with Ceviche of Scallops and Tomato Vierge. I was treated like an animal.
"They tried to shut me up by dishing out soft goats cheese and coriander, cous cous, pan fried vine leaves, anything really. This caused problems in itself as I spent half the day flossing which made the tooth even worse. Sensodyne didn't even go near it."
Following the court award of almost £50,000 Steel said "It was never about the money. I feel like a new man now. I've got everything I need in here but I did buy myself a new Bible and treated some of the lads to mobile phone top ups and free heroin"
Sickeningly he said "There's an app for that."
One fellow inmate who wished to remain anonymous was outraged. "Who does he think he is, swaggering about, flashing his new big pearly whites, acting like the big I am. He was nothing til he got all that money and now look at him. He's got a Hollywood Smile that would put Simon Cowell to shame"
The prisoner, himself toothless, added "It's the victims families I'm thinking of. My heart goes out to them.
What about the people he butchered ? They won't even have any teeth now, especially the ones who were cremated" he reflected grimly.