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Tuesday, 29 June 2010

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Cameron in carrot mystery

Prime Minister David Cameron projectile vomited on a group of ladies yesterday while doing an unscheduled walkabout around the houses of parliament. Keen to promote the new budget, Mr.Cameron exited his bicycle under the shadow of Big Ben and approached a group of women who were eating lunch.

The comely bunch were soon surrounded by press and paparazzi who were waiting to get a glimpse of The Brother Princes [Harry and William] - rumoured to be making a visit to Parliament to garner support for their charities.

A man in his fifties who seemed 'down on his luck' made his way through the throng of reporters and approached the PM. He held out his hand and Mr. Cameron looking somewhat panicked shook the tramp's hand. It was then that the PM's face turned a greenish-white and one of his aides whispered into his ear.

He duly sniffed his hand and then sprayed carrot-clogged vomit in the direction of the tramp. However the tramp, who had been moving sloth-like to that point suddenly displayed the reflexes a feral cat, jumping to the right.

One woman behind the man took the full force of the spray in her face, hair and substantial cleavage while her companions were peppered with carrots and liquid. The PM's security team ushered Mr. Cameron away leaving his aide to apologise to the ladies.

The homeless man, Billy Hartnett later explained, in a broad Somerset accent, how he'd avoided being hit by the PM's breakfast, "Before I became homeless I be the county flyweight boxing champion. I see'd the PM's breakfast coming towards me like in slow motion and the old reflexes just sorta kicked in.

"Bob and weave, bob and weave don't you? Can't imagine what made him so ill so quick likes. Glad I dodged that though, would've stank for weeks that! Here give us a fiver…"

Bruce Connolly an Australian back-packer who witnessed the event on his day out to Parliament told me, "I could smell the tramp as he pushed past me. It was definitely excreta I could smell. Then when I looked closer I saw that the shit was on the old bum's hand. And then the Prime Minister didn't want to look as if he thought he was better than the little guy, especially with all the press about, by refusing to shake his hand even though he was already retching from the smell.

"I guess the final straw was when his aide told him that the tramp had an arse-processed quarter-pounder - or words to that effect - all over his fingers and now Cam had it on his own fingers! Hah! The PM's guts couldn't take it. Strewth, Mr. Cameron threw up the lot and over a distance of about five feet. He defo took one for the team. He'd make a great Aussie"

I learned later from Mr. Cameron's website that he'd just had a broccoli, banana and lentil smoothie for breakfast. The site is used by the PM to promote himself and his political ideals while also listing his fitness and his dietary regime. According to the site the PM hasn't eaten carrots for a week so the presence of them his vomitus projectilus is a mystery.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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