Written by Jeremy Paxman
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Monday, 28 June 2010

image for John Prescott in Stunning Anorexia Revelations
John Prescott in his high-tech fat suit

British politics was rocked today following shock revelations by New New Labour apparatchik's that for the last 40 years; John Prescott has been wearing a fat suit and high-tech prosthetics designed by NASA to disguise the fact that he is actually anorexic and weighs no more than a 4 year old from Sudan.

It turns out that "Two-Jags" is actually "Two-Stone" and has been living a lie for the last 4 decades as part of a Mandelson-Campbell designed strategy to help Old New Labour connect with working class voters in the Northern counties.

The disguise and strategic backstory was so successful and well maintained that even Prescott's wife - Pauline - was completely unaware of his true physique, "I really had no idea. I've been rolling John in flour for years in the bedroom to assist in our lovemaking and I feel like such a fraud. All the amazing times we've shared quaffing champagne and oysters at the taxpayers expense seem light years away now and I'm at a loss to explain how he managed to regularly block the toilet with three flushers".

The true nature of the Mandelson-Campbell devised strategy is revaled today to a shocked electorate as the John Prescott onion is further peeled. It appears that not only does soon to be Lord Prescott have an IQ of 620, he is actually an Eton educated former championship athlete and long time male model for the Littlewoods Catalogue. Only a few members of the Old New Labour elite were aware of the truth and it is understood that Tony Blair was a driving force behind the idea as part of a multi-pronged strategy to ensure that he always looked the thinnest at Cabinet meetings and fulfil commitments to Gordon Brown that he would not be the freakiest and most odious member of the Labour hierarchy.

Having now quite literally shed his former persona, John Prescott spoke to assembled press outside his multimillion pound taxpayer funded mansion about his secret skinny past and his plans for the future. Our reporter posed these fatuous questions:

John, how does it feel to finally come clean?

Bloody marvelous. I haven't been clean for 40 years, it was ruddy impossible to have a wash in that thing, how can you clean your feet when you can't even see 'em? I ran round in the shower for 20 minutes this morning to get wet and a whole weight was literally lifted. I feel like a new man.

Has it not been difficult to pull off?

Not really it had a zip but we did have a couple of problems over the years. My chip on the shoulder was actually a flaw in the fat suit. We tried to get it repaired back in the 80's but I ended up with a chip on both shoulders. I'm only a two stone weakling as we all now know so we had a bionic arm installed in it back in the late 90's so I could carry me expenses claims but it went a bit haywire and kept jabbing voters

Where's the suit now?

I've lent it to Harriet Harman, she wanted to look thinner.

Now it's all out in the open, what are you plans for the future?

Well, I'll have me Keep Fit DVD out ready for Christmas, I'll be updating me memoirs and co-producing a film of my life story which is gonna be directed by Michael Bay; "Transformers, MP's in Disguise".

Voters in his Hull East constituency were less than impressed: "I feel cheated" said Mohammed Al Mahktoom, "the 26 litre John Prescott Vindaloo Special has been a top seller in our curry house for years now and I've already seen an 83% drop in sales. We're in the middle of a financial crisis and news like this just shakes consumer confidence, I'm not sure if our business will survive".

Labour HQ have promised an urgent investigation into the matter and are also investigating claims that Ed Balls is a Uraguayan midget, Peter Mandelson is straight, Diane Abbott is a white immigrant from Poland and David Blunkett is in fact a labrador guide dog. His actual guide dog is now believed to be Dr David Kelly.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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