Clarence House, London; Tuesday 29 March - (Associated Mess) More details of Prince Charles's forthcoming nuptuals are emerging as his official spokesman at Clarenece House confirmed today that newly-released pop music mogul, convicted sex offender and staunch House of Windsor supporter Jonathan King is to organise Charles's stag night party on the eve of the wedding ceremony on April 1st.
The night is expected to kick off around 6pm at Ye Olde Whores and Groom in Buckingham Palace Road, where up to one hundred personally vetted guests will arrive to toast the Pretender to the Throne with the hostelry's trademark cocktail the 'Slow Comfortable Screw' - so named after one of Jeffrey Archer's warders during time spent at Her Majesty's Pleasure, reflecting on issues concerning perjury.
Next, in accordance with the Archbishop of Canterbury's televised Easter address to the nation, Charles will then publicly repent his sins, admitting to personal involvement in laundering "God's Banker" Roberto Calvi's stolen IRA millions via Banco Ambrosiano and the Bogota Branch of the Riggs World Bank for Deconstruction and Embezzlement. For this transgression, Tory Party martiarch Ann Widdecombe will then administer a Cat O' Nine Tails lashing to the Pretender's rump before carrying out a compulsory Abu Ghraib-style DNA test, taking a circutitious route to the Pretender's gonads via his tonsils and duodenum.
Next, the pre-nuptuals party will head towards the Diana, Princess of Wales Memorial Fountain at Jekyll and Hyde Park Corner for a ritual ablution in its healing crystal waters. Master of Ceremonies and Best Man General Augusto Pinochet will then perform a Druidic, solstice-style immersion ceremony whereby Charles will be tied to one of the Royal Parks Agency turbo-powered tractors and slowly halued through the effluvia spouting from this seminal tribute to his late ex-wife. At this point, the Royal Cavalry is expected to arrive with the contents of the day's stable produce, which will then form a ritual massage area for Charles to wallow in while the Blues and Royals deposit additional excrescences from Buckingham Palace's plumbing system on the atonement area. It is understood that the Prime Minister's lifestyle guru, Ms Carole Caplin, will then personally administer the ritual tantric pre-nuptual massage upon the Royal personage before treating the Pretender to a sample of her specialised talents in the field of aromatherapy.
Finally, the pre-nuptual party will head to Ye Olde Cockroach and Chippolata gastropub near to the Cuban Embassy where the following day's Wedding Breakfast will be served to an adoring crowd of 750 invitees including other members of the House of Windsor. The Stag Night dinner menu is expected to be masterminded by Jamie Oliver and key ingredients taken from organic remnants of his seminal recipies served at Belmarsh Pre-Preparatory School.
A leaked report in the London press today said the specialite de jour will be Roast Crow followed by Humbug Pudding.