World scientists and engineers have been working around the clock to come up with methods to halt the oil spill in the Gulf.
An out-of-work man from Middlesbrough, N.E. England, has come up with the perfect solution which he is currently trying to 'sell' to the Oil Magnats of B.P.
Randy Smith, husband of Takwana Smith of Cargo Fleet, Middlesbrough, sporting numerous tattoos (one of a swastika on his forehead) and no teeth, met with our reporter, LADY GODIVA earlier today and said,
"Yea well it's like this in' i'? Common sense like. If a 'french letter' can stop all ma swimmers reaching our lass's eggs, then stands t'f******g reason it'd be strong enough t'stop a freakin' oil leak. S'long 'as i' don' 'ave an 'ole in i' like. Yer know worra mean?
Christ! All them idiots need is a f*****g big rubber t'stick on top o' the leak and Bob's yer uncle, Fanny's yer aunt and David Beckham's yer freakin' cousin.
'Ow comes all o' them fellas gettin' the big money, carn even come up wi' a s'lution between the f*****g lora them all? Waste o' bloody educations if yer ask me like. An' people say Arm thick. Mecks yer wonder like don' i'? 'Ern me freakin' dole money A do - jus' comin' up wi' this freakin' stuff t'try an 'elp the werld like."
Randy's wife, Takwana added,
"Our lad's right yer know. Those bleeding condoms (that's wo' I 'ear the posh folks call 'em) they're dead bloody strong. Ard given up 'ope of 'aving a kid so I ended up pok'n' 'oles in the bleedin' buggers. Randy was dead mad a' ferst like wern ya Randy?. Bu' 'e warmed up t'the idea when our li'l Stephen Gerrard Michael Owen 'Esky Rooney Beck'am was born, didn' yer love?"
"Aye, A did lass," answered Randy, bouncing a lively 6 month old boy, wearing a mini-Boro kit- on his lap.
Randy is hopeful that his idea will be 'bought' and has plans for any money that may come his way.
"Yeah, too bleedin' right A do. Ferst thing is, me an' our lass and li'l Stephen Gerrard Michael Owen 'Esky Rooney Beck'am are goin't'be movin' up to Nunthorpe like....with all those other posh buggers. That's jus' fer star'ers like. Arm gonna join the Golf Club and lern meself 'ow t'play golf. Arm even gonna lern 'ow t'ge' tha' freakin' ball inta tha' bleedin' 19th 'ole. No-one seems t'ave go' tha' far ye' from wo' A lernd watchin' The Golf Channel on me wide screen HD telly.
Also, Arm gonna buy a car - mebbe an Asda - an lern 'ow t'drive."
At this point the interview ended because LADY GODIVA desperately needed to visit a toilet. She was last seen coughing and choking back tears, heading for Morrisons.
More as this story unfolds.