Written by Bill Licks
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Thursday, 24 June 2010

image for Apple's new iVuvuzela goes on sale
iPARP

There was pandemonium today as thousands of geeks queued up outside Apple's flagship store in Regent's Street desperate to get their hands on the brand new iVuvuzela.

Several geeks had their glasses broken and wet themselves in the crush as police were called to control the mildly irked crowd.

The iVuvuzela is Apple's attempt to break into the increasingly popular vuvuzela market and they believe it will take the vuvulela into the 21st century by making it a multi-media annoying plastic trumpet thing that no one can be without.

So what exactly can the iVuvuzela do that a normal vuvuzela can't?

Firstly its unique design lets it sit on the lips more comfortably as it is 50% thinner than a regular vuvuzela around the mouthpiece. The carbon fibre coating is also kinder to the skin particularly during long uninterrupted bouts of blowing.

It has an oleophobic handle which is touch sensitive and is able to regulate the noise that is emitted by feeling the tension in the user's clenched fist. If the user is calm then the noise it gives out is that of a moderate buzz rather like a contented bumble bee buzzing around summer flowers. However if the user gets excited then it produces a noise of an angry hornet as it battles against a rolled up newspaper.

At the end of the horn is a brand new piece of technology that controls any saliva that can begin to fly out when the user becomes over-excited. The Water Absorbent Nozzle Collector or WANC as Apple have called it vibrates furiously as soon as any liquid comes into contact with it. This vibrating also makes a buzzing noise that cleverly harmonizes with the noise of the horn so not to detract the user into thinking their iVuvuzela is faulty.

Perhaps one of the iVuvuzela's finest features is its ability to contract in size so it can fit comfortably in a trouser pocket when not in use. As soon as it senses it no longer needs to be in action, the iVuvuzela melts into a chewing gum like state and shrinks down into a small sausage shape, or iTurd as Apple CEO Steve Jobs jokingly calls it.

If you want to get your hands on a new iVuvuzela then here's your chance to win one of ten that have been exclusively signed by Steven Jobs who works behind the bar in the Rose and Crown pub in Croydon.

To be one of the lucky winners complete the following sentence in no more than 30 words.

If I had a penis the size of a vuzuvela I would......

Closing date for entries is June 30 2009. All winners will be notified telepathically and will receive their prize several years after they have died... probably. Good luck!

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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