Written by Skoob1999
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Monday, 21 June 2010

image for Local Man 'Utterly Knackered'
Anti-Martin Shuttlecock Arse Device.

Local man, Martin Shuttlecock, currently recuperating from a split eyebrow and a broken thumb as a result of being a dopey twonk and not looking where he was going, today announced that he was, "utterly knackered" despite having done very little, if anything at all, for the past month and a half.

Shuttlecock lays the blame for his state of utter 'knackeredness' on the World Cup in South Africa, and about to be compounded by the Wimbledon tennis championships.

Shuttlecock told us:

"I'm spent lads. Three World Cup matches a day doesn't half take it out of you. When you're invalided, sitting at home on the couch drinking beer from dawn to dusk, kicking every ball, trying to keep up with the Argentinians, the Brazilians, the Portuguese, and a couple of dire England games, it takes its toll. Now me back's playing up too and I've got toothache and terrible wind. I've been living on pizzas and Ginsters Cornish pasties for the last ten days. I really need a rest."

Shuttlecock's long suffering wife, Anne, herself suffering from a debilitating knee injury sustained whilst trying to score for Argentina off the couch, whilst guzzling chocolate bars, is looking forward to the All England Tennis Club Championships from Wimbledon. Although she suspects that such strenuous activity might actually finish her off. She said:

"It's a tough call playing in three World Cup matches and two or three tennis matches on grass every day whilst carrying a knee injury and eating ice cream, porridge, pizza and chocolate. But I'll do my best. I just wish the old man wouldn't drink so much beer. Got terrible wind he has and it proper stinks. He wants raking out."

The Shuttlecocks, at the time of writing are eagerly awaiting the World Cup tie between Honduras and Spain.

Anne Shuttlecock has been trawling internet auction site, e-bay for a World War Two gas mask.

"If I can get one of them I might make it through the World Cup and the tennis. Otherwise I've had it."

More as we get it.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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