The whole country is trembling at the thought of George Osborne's Budget Statement.
'I don't want anyone to panic' said George beaming 'but we have been left with the worst deficit since 1958, when England last left the World Cup in the First Round.'
Civil servants whose jobs are on the line have been putting the finishing touches to the Budget Statement amid fears this may be the last thing they do before facing the dole.n.
Among the announcements to be made are:
VAT to be charged at 28% on everything
Income Tax to go up to 60% for anyone earning over £15000 a year
Pensions to be reduced by 20%
Retirement age to be 75 for men and women
'Those who think the leaking of these intended measures is just to get the relief of finding things not quite so bad in the actual statement are cynical small minded gits' was the comment of Government insider Vince the Invincible.
Financial experts feel the Government will save the country from falling into the abyss of a Black Hole, where we would disintegrate into thousands of fragments.
Labour, meanwhile, are confident of a backlash when people realise that everyone is poor. 'John Prescott will come back and put everything right' said Daisy Chain from her crumbling hovel on the outskirts of Hull.