The call to Arsenal manager, Arsene Wenger, to take over from Fabio Capello as England manager, because Capello is a foreigner who doesn't understand English ways, has not had a response.
This intrepid reporter knows why!
Arsene uses the word ass not arse, following the American fashion. He doesn't recognise arse as a valid word for a bum. In any case a bum in America isn't an arse or an ass but a tramp.
On top of this Arsene suspects that someone is trying to take him for a ride. He fears a response will label him as an Ass, as in Donkey.
He is worried about headlines announcing 'Bum takes over as England Manager' or 'England now have Ass in the top seat'.
For a non-foreign Frenchman Wenger would clearly be a front runner for the England job, but he knows Fergie has her eye on the job and he doesn't want to upset Fergie's friend the Queen by pipping her at the post.
Sarah is quite open about the situation. 'Arse is a great choice, but I prefer feet and toes myself. Wenger is clearly more qualified than me to take over the English team in our hour of need. I will sacrifice myself so Arse can get in the door.'
Prince Andrew, Fergie's ex, still admires Sarah - who he always calls Sarah Windsor; 'It is typical of Fergie to put her country before herself. But Arse is the obvious choice if she doesn't go ahead.'
The Queen is known to be uneasy about the Royals being mixed up with arses, asses, Asses and Bums and secretly believes Charles should be next in line for the top job. She knows he would be first choice if he wasn't such an ass.
However, from her throne at Buckingham Palace, the Queen advised courtiers that she recognised the country would prefer Fergie to Charles. She will be urging Sarah to go for the job and tell the Froggie to jump in a lake.
'Diana was the Queen of Hearts' she told Fergie 'you shall the Queen of Footie'.