Clarence House, London; Wednesday 23 March(Associated Mess) - Prince Charles's household has named a glittering array of Global Peace Process luminaries who will be officiating at his forthcoming nuptuals to Camilla Nosy Parker at Slough Crematorium and later at the Herman Goering Memorial Suite at Cuban Embassy on April 1st this year.
Best Man will be General Augusto Pinochet, who will be deputised by Kevin Maxwell and Ronnie Biggs - an honour in recognition of their personal seminal contribution to House of Windsor financial accounting practices during the Thatcher years.
Official witnesses will be perjury specialist and former Tory Minister for Defence Procurement Jonathan Aitken, along with fellow ex- jail-bird and one-time Conservative Party Treasurer Jeffrey 'The Lag' Archer. Supporting witnesses are named as Riggs Bank European CEO David Bachetti and Sir Mark 'Coup Plot' Thatcher.
The official ushers are listed as Enron's Ken Lay and Jeff Skilling, London's Mayor Ken Livingstone and Sinn Fein supremo Mr Gerry Adams.
Meanwhile on the bride's side, US home-making queen Martha Stewart will be Matron of Honor, supported by a bevy of international timeless beauties including Lily Savage, Dame Edna Everage, Imelda Marcos and a European representative of the Bigamists Anonymous international fellowship.
An international list of religious figures is expected at the official Blessing Ceremony including Cardinal Ratzinger (representing the Gelli family and the Banco Ambrosiano Economietric Foundation) and the Reverend Jerry Falwell (President George Bush's personal envoy).
After the nuptual ceremony the wedding party will proceed by horse-drawn carriage to London's Hype Park where the Bride and Groom will plant a Poison Ivy shrub - "Camellia Humbugiana Synthetica" - at the edge of the Diana, Princess of Wales Memorial Fountain and take a symbolic, Ganges-style dip in its crystal waters.
It is understood that Her Majesty the Queen has promised to very kindly remove all items of barbed wire, Royal Parks Agency official botanical boobytraps and fox snares, horticultural detonators and other vital fountain refurbishment equipment in order to make room for this last part of the wedding rituals.
The day's festivities will be televised as usual, to a global audience expected to top 5 billion worldwide.