Structural engineers have noticed a dangerous bulge on an external wall at Wormwood Scrubs and have voiced concerns that if overcrowding is not brought under control, some prisons may physically burst.
Jails such as Dartmoor may be allowed to 'blow' since they are remote from human settlement, however the explosion of Holloway or Wormwood Scrubs could injure thousands in the surrounding population - some of whom are innocent.
The home office is to conviene an urgent meeting to discuss alternative forms of punishment, however, they do not want to return to the bad old days of labour's 'community orders' which were nothing more than sitting in a room for half an hour, feeling sad about disabled cats.
One suggestion was a 'clockwork-orange' style brainwashing, where the subject is forced to watch EastEnders until it was clear they would never offend again.
One Pyschologist said - "With Eastenders new material, it usually takes about 16hrs of watching before they crack and beg for mercy but with the older 'Phil and Grant' stuff, some offenders are on their 3rd repeat a week later."