Reports are emerging that Gordon Brown partook in a 15 hour love-making marathon with 8 members of the Croydon Ladies Badminton Club, in the latest bizarre chapter in his downward spiral since losing the general election earlier this year.
A source close to Brown, who was present at the gang-bang but 'categorically did not enjoy it', claims the experience left her feeling 'heavy with guilt and in desperate need of a shower'.
'Gordon has been off the rails for months now, and has developed an insatisfiable addiction to Watermelon Bacardi Breezers. He's at the pont where he's drinking at least 75 bottles a day, every day. Last night he had polished off three crates in his hotel room, and said he was going out to find some pork pies. He came back 20 minutes later, without snacks but with half the Croyydon Ladies Badminton Club in tow. Everybody knew the way things were going, but it soon got out of hand and we all saw sights no-one should ever see. The sad thing is Gordon does things like this every night...He needs help.'
A spokeswoman for the Badminton Club admitted that some of the members had 'spent the night with an ex-prime minister', but would not specify further.
The police say no charges are needed as there was consent from all parties involved, but the RSPCA are investigating claims that a badger suffered serious injuries during the incident.