Written by Gary Midgeley
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Topics: Monkey, Thailand

Saturday, 19 June 2010

image for British Woman Attacked By Monkeys
She's even scared of this monkey

A British woman has been savaged by a pack of macaque monkeys whilst holidaying at a Thai nature resort.

Dee Darwell, 56 who herself confesses to having a huge phobia of monkeys, wanted to conquer that phobia but the plan horribly backfired when it ended with the horrible attack. "My friends told me to go to a zoo to conquer my phobia of monkeys or maybe just hold one or something, but I thought it better to go to Thailand and do it and visit a place called 'Monkey Island' to help me get over my sheer fear of them, how was I to know it would go wrong" said the shaken woman.

Whilst visiting Monkey Island on a Siam Sea Canoe tour with her friend, she was set upon by a group of monkeys which bit her numerous times all over her body in a vicious attack and as a result of the wounds, combined with her phobia of monkeys; she quickly went into shock and collapsed. She lay there for a few minutes until she was finally found by a passing fisherman and her wounds were swiftly treated.

After the attack, Mrs. Darwell, from Peterborough put the blame for it squarely on the shoulders of the tour guide in charge of their group, "When we got to the island and I saw all the angry monkeys for the first time, waiting for us to get off the boat, the tour guide did advise me to stay on the boat if I'm scared as the monkeys can smell fear and yes I did decide not to stay on the boat as I thought it safer to join the group on the angry monkey infested island, BUT, what he didn't tell our group was that these monkeys don't like being teased, have random stuff thrown at them nor enjoy being kicked and punched as a laugh, which is what me and my group were naturally doing, for hours, as we weren't told not to by our tour guide and I believe this to be one of the reasons for the attack. He clearly failed us there" she told us angrily.

She then went on to explain of the tour guides second mistake that she believes to also be one of the reasons for the attack, "When lunchtime came we were all called into the canteen for something to eat by our tour guide, but I thought it a good idea to go sit under a tree and eat my lunch, surrounded by pissed off wild monkeys instead, I never saw the attack coming", explained Mrs. Darwell, "How was I to know that sitting under a tree, eating my lunch of banana sandwiches, banana milkshake and an actual banana, surrounded by hundreds of pissed of wild, angry monkeys who can smell my fear and which I've recently teased with my food for hours, would turn on and attack me so unprovoked like that, the tour guide never warned me of this, all this is clearly his fault and he should be punished".

When asked to comment, tour leader Mr Yongyut Buasod denied negligence on his part and simply claimed "stupid bitch" then went on to add "If she was scared of them before, bet she f**king loves them now". It is thought that no action will be taken against the tour company, but all agree more should be done for dumb people.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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