George Osborne, Chancellor of the Exchequer, is preparing his emergency budget for next Wednesday.
Following Britain's disastrous showing at the Eurovision song contest a double blow of England exiting from the World Cup in the first round and Murray's defeat in the first round at Wimbledon is staring him in the face.
'We are preparing for the worst' said Prime Minister David Cameron 'somehow we must fill the black hole in British hearts, following the expected deficit figures. 0-0 is not good enough.'
Cries from the England camp of 'We want Fergie' have resulted in Sarah Ferguson getting ready to take on the top job. 'I will give the team a jolly good telling off. Pull your finger out, England!' she exclaimed. Secret filming of Fergie has shown her refusing large sums of money to take on the England manager's job. 'You cannot corrupt me.' she announced to a hidden camera 'I need no money to encourage me to manage the England team. I will give my vast knowledge and experience of the footballing game to England absolutely free.'