Britain's most intelligent man, Bolero McSwansong from Swansea was recovering at home this morning after being inexplicably assaulted by a strange man armed with a soup spoon.
The incident occurred at 01:30am this morning as McSwansong emerged from a meeting of the minds in an after hours lock-in at a public house in Rawtenstall, Lancashire.
"I'd ordered a taxi to take me home to Todmorden, in Yorkshire," McSwansong told a source. "Then as I was crossing the pavement to get into the vehicle, this insane person appeared as if out of nowhere and started hitting me repeatedly on the head with a soup spoon. I tussled with him initially, but he was very strong physically. He smelt of roasted chestnuts and was mouthing lines from Bing Crosby's 'White Christmas' as he tried to smash my head in with the soup spoon."
Taxi driver, Eddie Bigleg, fortunately had the presence of mind to intervene and grappled with the fiend. Following a brief struggle, the heinous villain threw away the soup spoon and fled on foot up a back alley.
"He was a big lad, with legs like tree trunks and an ill fitting waistcoat," Bigleg told a source. "When I saw what was happening, I leapt in straight away and attempted to disarm the dastardly cad. He was rather a strong chap, but I've got quite big legs myself and I think I managed to unbalance him with a well-timed hip thrust. Of course, by then I'd taken a couple of licks to the head with the soup spoon, but thankfully he dropped it and had it away on his villainous toes."
An ambulance was called, and Bolero McSwansong was treated on the spot for shock and outrage, but released and sent on his way in Eddie Bigleg's taxi. He is reported to be recovering at home with a nice cup of tea and a packet of chocolate digestives.
Sergeant Fred Hammerblow of Lancashire police commented:
"We are actively investigating this incident. No arrest has yet been made but we remain cautiously optimistic. Unfortunately spoon crime appears to be on the increase in the area, and we would urge the public not to arm themselves with spoons of their own in order to combat spoon attacks. The last thing we want is for people to be fighting with spoons all over the shop."
More as we get it.