Ascot - (Big Ass Mess): Racing authorities have refused to fork out for winches and hydraulic cherrypicker equipment at the start of tomorrow's five day meeting.
But without these or emergency mass-liposuction on her derriere there seems little hope for Susan Boyle to gain admission to the racecourse.
Last year rescue services were called out as thermic lances and welding equipment failed to free the corpulent singer who got trapped in an unsaddling enclosure turnstile.
Firemen had to use special breathing equipment in the operation after being overcome by fumes from Boyle's signature perfume Lard de Paris.
Clerk of the Course Chris Stickels said today special reinforced concrete ramps were already in place outside the Champagne Bar entrance amid reports a giant sinkhole could open up and swallow anyone over 20 stone.
Shergar's been missing since 1981.