Serial murderer of daytime TV has finally admitted he is "a gold plated knob-end".
"I've ruined so many lives on 'deal or no deal' that I've lost count. I've probably been to more funerals than Jeremy Kyle. I'm so ashamed of goading people into making stupid bets they've only got a 'rats arse' chance of winning."
"I used to think the trailer-trash we get on the program were funny with all their wacky superstitions about this or that box but now I just think it's sad."
"As for the 'pilgrims', they're as mad as a box of frogs. They'll cheer a dim-whitted contestant on, even when he's down to a penny - having turned down £10,000 about 5 minutes earlier. Honestly they're more greedy and stupid than I am!"
Edmonds is said to of returned to broadcasting to finance a divorce settlement from one of his many failed marriages.