Written by j.w.
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Monday, 14 June 2010

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'Like a mystical chant'

Football fans complaining in front of their TV sets about the loud, continuous buzzing noise* at World Cup matches should think again. Imagine what it is like if you are in the crowd!

English football fan Jim Cameron (David's cousin twice removed) told us from South Africa, in a difficult call : 'My hearing is going. I was at the stadium and my head was spinning after the match. I realised I was temporarily deaf. I'm sure my hearing is permanently impaired.'

Another fan Jeremy Clegg (Nick's uncle), who lives near Heathrow, told me: 'I have planes going over my house touching my TV aerial and I thought that was bad. Now I have experienced something far worse. I wish I was at home.'

Top audiologist, Dr Horatia Nelson, speaking from her elevated clinic at 111 Trafalgar Square exclaimed 'Open your eyes! Continual noise at high decibels will enganger your hearing. I understand measurements of the noise at the World Cup have reached 9.5 on the Richter Scale. Prolonged access to such levels of noise will cause permanent damage - loss of hearing or complete deafness.'

Difficulty interviewing fans has led the Sun to fly expert signers to South Africa, who can communicate visually.

Manufacturers of ear plugs are working 24 hours a day to meet a worldwide demand, with South Africa desperate for the plugs.

However, amazingly there are those who like the noise. Musicologist and composer of modern experimental music, Prof Algernon Twitter finds the continual row beautiful. 'It moves me to hear the contrapuntal modulation. The strength of the music reduces and suddenly blasts into the atmosphere. It is invigorating - like a mystical chant.'

A follower of the music of Stan Kenton, famed for his very loud big band jazz, also admires the sounds. 'This World Cup has brought Stan back to life. Those who missed out on Kenton's screaming brass can only be joyful at this musical development'.

However, a nameless Heavy Rock musician, now sadly wandering aimlessly in a silent world, mumbled 'This type of noise can be addictive, man. I mean it sends you into ecstasy for a while but there are terrible consequences'.

Our advice is to put fingers in your ears. Preferably your own.

* We are advised that the buzzing noise is not caused be Bees.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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