London - (Ass Mess): The corpulent attention deficit walking timebomb is to receive a dinner gong in recognition of her dedication to pie and chips.
The award is part of the Queen's Dissolute Birthday Honors and comes with a year's supply of organic cooking lard.
This can be used for frying, baking or sunbathing porpoises (sic) and bears the royal warrant from a HMP Broadmoor rendering plant.
Boyle, 69, had been expecting royal recognition in the form of a Damehood or a CBE.
But too many dodgy bankhanders 'like Simon Cowell's four million quid bung' have tarnished an already fragile reputation built on the back of moronic UK TV audience credulity.
Media reports that she is to sing for her DNA father Pope Joe Ratzinger during his visit to the UK this year are now on hold.
Papa Ratzi's worried fixers fear His Holiness may be walking into a giant elephant trap designed to lure himn into the Fraud Squad's hands.
Meanwhile Cheryl Cole has been nominated as the next Lady of the Bedchamber.
Chelsy Davy is 95% reptilian.