The Metropolitan Police today revealed that they stopped and searched three men last night on suspicion of conspiracy to cause some serious physical damage to some fat bloke.
The three men, named as Patrick Stewart, out of Star Trek with a baldy head, Noel Gallagher, out of Oasis, wearing a leather jacket and star shaped sunglasses with a blue tint, in the dark, and Liam Gallagher, also out of Oasis, wearing a parka and John Lennon style circular sunglasses were seen walking with intent along Groom Street, Kensington.
A senior police officer told our reporter:
"Police attention was brought to the three men when Liam Gallagher was spotted walking, rolling his shoulders and scraping his knuckles on the ground shouting. Noel kept slapping his own forehead, and Patrick Stewart was observed wiping his nose on his sleeve. All three appeared agitated."
Further investigations revealed that Stewart had warned the Gallagher brothers that chubby, large bellied comedian, James Corden was out to get Liam Gallagher. The upshot being that the three men set out shortly after midnight with the intention of "kicking the fat bastard's head in."
As officers closed in on the trio, attempting to apprehend them, Star Trek actor Patrick Stewart said:
"Get your hands off me you scoundrel. Do you know who I am?"
Noel Gallagher reportedly said:
"Don't look at me mate. This is to with our kid and the baldy bloke. Our kid's the gobby one."
To which Liam Gallagher allegedly told officers:
"Off me man! Off! That fat fuck dissed me mate Paddy out of Star Trek and I'm not fuckin' 'avin it. I'll kill him. Where is the fat gutted pseudo-cockney cunt? Come on you bastard! Come out! Let's 'ave it large! Prick! And that."
A German security guard from Dusseldorf who watched events unfold from a hotel doorway told us:
"He's kind of cute. Zat Liam. I hope I won't be having to punch his teeth down his throat again."
The security guard's co-worker, Albert Spanner, from Stoops Estate in Burnley, told us:
"I hope he doesn't start on Hans again. Hans had trouble with his hand for weeks the last time he punched Liam's teeth out of his big gob in Dusseldorf, where they filmed Auf Wiedersehen Pet. Be a shame if he had to go through that again."
Liam was led away to a police van shouting that he's a proper rock and roll star.
James Corden was reportedly hiding at Catherine Tate's Nan's flat in Whitechapel, shuddering under a barrage of swearing.
More as we get it.