Written by Roy Turse
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Thursday, 10 June 2010

image for Gatso Nuns Nab Demon Cyclist
'Ready Sister Mary Celeste?' 'I'll nail him, Sister Mary Jayblige'

The nuns of a convent in Hemel Hempstead have taken the law into their own hands to catch a dangerous bike rider that they claim is possessed by the Devil. They used a Mini-Gatso radar gun to record the speed of the maniac cyclist and then reported him to the police.

Reverend Mother Mary Tilermore, takes up the story. "For months this man had ridden past the front door of our convent, Saint Brian the Blessed, at breakneck speeds without any care for our safety. There have been several accidents, and a man even ended up in intensive care with a fractured skull and a three broken ribs."

"One of our nuns, Sister Mary Peters, was nearly struck, and when she looked up she saw Satan's red eyes flashing at her as the man rode away, so we knew he was possessed. The police couldn't help, so after praying for guidance, I bought the necessary equipment on Ebay."

However, the cyclist, a Mr Michael Normal, tells a different tale. "I cycle past there a lot. I'm on the road, not the path, and I wear one of those high-visibility vests. I've even got those flashing LED safety lights, front and back. The trouble is, those nuns wander out into the road without looking. They have no peripheral vision in those wimples they wear - might as well be in blinkers."

Following a number of near misses, Mr Normal wrote to the convent expressing his concern, but he never received a reply.

"A few days later I'm riding along and there's three of them standing there, and two of them are pointing these plastic gun things at me. One was some kind of speed detector."

"Then I heard one nun shout 'Can a man take fire in his bosom, and his clothes not be burned?' - apparently it's a quote from Proverbs."

"It turned out the other device was a Taser. Witnesses said I went thirty foot through the air before I hit that Mini. I woke up in intensive care with a fractured skull and three broken ribs."

The Reverend Mother declined to discuss Mr Normal's claims, but she did comment that "Man is born to trouble, as the sparks fly upward. Job chapter five, verse seven".

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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