Written by Monkey Woods
Print this
Topics: Racism, Immigration

Thursday, 10 June 2010

image for "If You Can't Speak English, F*ck Off!", Theresa May Tells Wogs
Now look here, Shadrach, can you explain Metaphysics to me?

Government ministers have today announced that they are bringing forward measures that will require immigrants to demonstrate a basic command of the English language - and those that can't, can f*ck off.

The measures, which the Labour government had planned to introduce in July 2011, will apply to those partners coming to the UK from areas outside the EU, such as South Asia.

Non-English speaking Poles and Russians will be fine. They can freely continue speaking their unintelligible gibberish up and down the high streets of the UK.

Home Secretary Theresa May said the move would "help promote integration, and weed out the riff-raff".

Campaigners say they support efforts to help immigrants learn English, but that the plans are discriminatory. We asked one of them, Rastus Umbongo, originally from Ghana, for his take on the news. We said:

"Wote Borofo anna?" ("Do you speak English?")

Rastus replied:

"Ko opanin no a osensen nkonnwa no ho kohwe se wawie makonnwa no a." (Go to the gentleman who carves stools to see whether he has finished my stool.)

Under the new rules, not stools, anyone from outside the EU applying for a visa to join their spouse or partner will have to prove they have a basic command of English, to help them get by in daily life, before their application is approved.

The measure applies to same-sex partners, and why shouldn't it?

Miss May went on:

"It is a privilege to come to the UK, and that is why I am committed to raising the bar for migrants, and ensuring that those who benefit from being in Britain contribute to our society.

"This is only the first step. We are currently reviewing English language requirements across the visa system with a view to tightening the rules further in the future. Which, in layman's terms, means that there will be fewer and fewer wogs in Britain in the future."

Miss May, who speaks one language, including English, also dabbles in bullshit.

Make Monkey Woods's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

More by this writer

View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story


Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!


What's 5 multiplied by 5?

7 19 21 25
49 readers are online right now!

Go to top

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more