Cosmetics companies are to be banned from 'making up' funky sounding ingredients by regulators who are calling global pharmaceutical companies "One step away from Victorian 'quackery'".
"We've had enough of companies dreaming up 'newly discovered' remedies everyday of the week. Most shampoo ingredients are about 95% the same as as washing-up liquid but when you see their adverts, they sound like they've found the elexir to eternal youth!"
"Then there's the toothpaste. Dentists apparently keep discovering new chemicals to alleviate sensitivity every other week. 'Its our new Pro-parking formula' they blithely announce. No it's not, there's no such thing!"
"Then there's pro-keretin, pro-elastese etc. Next week we'll have pro-footballatine and pro-tennistese - it's a joke."
The regulators are getting tougher on consumer marketing with a yoghurt company already censured for absurdly claiming 'Pleasure makes you beautiful' and a biscuit bar company is under investigation for plagiarising a Nina Simone hit, changing it to 'Got my cherries, got my berries, got my biscuit, got my crunch.'
"You havn't got life dear but you need to get one. It's just a cereal bar."