In a private conversation with Phoenix Joe at a House of Commons bar, Prime Minister David Cameron revealed that the economic plight of the UK is actually far worse than he had dared to think.
Dave finished his large G&T, stared into the empty glass for a long time before saying "Gordon has made such a ****ing pigs ear of just about everything. I reckon that if we put the whole country on ebay, we would only get about fifteen shillings!"
"It isn't that there is no money, the big problem is that there isn't going to any money for the next 50 years" he added as he hurled the empty glass across the bar at a passing NuLabour MP.
Fortunately, the mild mannered and rather conciliatory Nick Gleg arrived and was able to defuse the tense situation and usher the despondent PM out of a side door. "Don't worry" he shouted "I've had plenty of practice looking after drunken party leaders".