Written by Jimbo123
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Topics: Theft

Sunday, 6 June 2010

image for "Barrymore tried to nick my gatepost!"
"Lower, lower....hold it there"

Phillipa Hamilton-James nee Forrester and her cameraman husband have been identified as the organisers of a notorious 'swingers ring' known as "The Halcyon Dyke-Masters"

Mrs Hamilton-James is a Sunday evening favorite with BBC1 viewers of Halcyon River Diaries who delight in seeing care free young people with enormous riverside houses, double-barrelled names, Agas and lots of flowers, although it should be noted most of the viewers are BBC staff.

However it is reported that once each month, the apparently saccharine sweet idyll is transformed into a noisy morrass of tangled bodies with all kinds of terrifying sex aids being wheeled in and out.

One neighbour confided - "Phillipa usually takes the children over to her parents while Charlie lays sawdust on the floor but as soon as she's back the place turns into what I am reluctant to call a bordello."

One local farmer was less coy - "There's a lot of shagging that goes on in there, first saturday t'month. I've seen that Graham Norton dressed as a roober cat crawling aboot and Michael Barrymore tried to nick one of me' gatepoosts!"

The seedy goings-on only came to light after Pete Burns became the first ever member to be expelled from the club for reasons no-one is prepared to disclose.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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