British PM, David 'very nice' Cameron has announced that the coalition government is to outlaw Boy Bands in the UK.
The welcome news was announced at a press conference inside 10 Downing Street early today - Phoenix Joe, truth hound and man on the ground, was among the specially invited hacks at the famous address.
Dave began the conference by apologizing for the large stack of boxes at the back of the room which he explained were full of soiled unwashed underwear left by the previous occupant, he added that a bio-hazard unit was currently on the way to deal with them and that there was no danger.
"The British people are having to put up with a lot of pain as the coalition seeks to address the absolutely eye watering and astonishingly big debts created by the one-eyed monster" Mr Cameron continued, "we feel their pain and see no reason why they should be exposed to further torture by insipid, flaccid and effeminate faux musicians lip-synching to banal repetitive backing tracks no matter how well crafted the hooks are".
A visibly enraged Mr Cameron added "I'm sure that if Nick could have been bothered to show up today, he would be giving his 100% support. We will be presenting new legislation during this parliament to enact a law which will mean that all male musicians must be able to play at least three chords on a piano and must have had at least one shave prior to the release of any song".
"I have also given instructions for the arrest and confinement of Simon Cowell. He will be placed in stocks and publicly displayed in Trafalgar Square were genuine musicians will be invited to urinate on him - this display will last for at least one year. All of Simon's ill gotten fortune will be confiscated and used to establish schools for real music".
Following this impassioned conference there were scenes of spontaneous joy seldom witnessed since the end of world war two was announced. Hacks and politicians were seen holding aloft pictures of John Peel and dancing to early Fall recordings.
If Phoenix Joe had not been there, he would find this extraordinary event hard to believe.