London, 7 March - (Associated Mess) New twists have emerged today in the latest chapter that is the fiasco of ex-UK Home Secretary David Blunkett's love life, fuelling the controversy that he may have been set up in an elaborate CIA-style MK-ULTRA mind trap undercover operation designed to expose the instigators of the Equatorial Guinea coup plot which brought down Sir Mark Thatcher, General Pinochet and Provisional IRA members who robbed the Falls Road branch of the Riggs Bank last December of more than £26million.
In an exclusive interview published in London this morning, Blunkett has admitted his initial surprise when first introduced to his ex-lover Kimberley Fortier in the 'Agent Provocateur' ladies underwear shop in Soho: "I asked to see some foundation garments for large but under-developed women", he said, "and was told 40A was as big and small as it gets.
"Next thing I know, this dusky Nigella Lawsonesque beauty says how do I want to try this one on for size and Wham! I'm a gonner."
Wiping away the tears that are streaming from his pet Labrador's wistful eyes, Blunkett continued to recollect the first telltale signs of passion that emerged between them: "When she said she admired my DNA, I thought she said she'd like the V&A - which is where we went on our first date before consumating our mutually fiery lust. Nine months later and I'm a father."...
This startling admission - which cost Blunkett his job, his ministerial salary and his index-linked Equatorial Life With-Profits Pension Pot - comes at a time of much speculation about the latest tot to emerge from Ms Fortier's loins, the bouncing 8lb Caesarian-section babe, ominously named 'Justin' - on account of a mishap in the withdrawal-method of contraception favoured by his biological father, maybe.
Latest media speculation about the child's paternity centre on any number of potential sires in Ms Fortier's Stud Book, including Riggs Bank CEO Jonathan Bush, Afghanistan private jail-keeping mercenary Jonathan Idema and former Tory Party Defence Procurement Minister and convicted jailbird Jonathan Aitken. "Jonathan, that means 'gift of God' in Hebrew", said a spokesperson, "and like all freebees, this one's a steal."