Windsore - (Bastards Mess): Queen Elizabeth was still in hiding this morning as a DNA test showed deranged Cumbria psychopath Derrick Bird is really her bastard son.
Fifty years of spooks' cover-ups, whitewashes and traditional obfuscation have failed to hide the story that the chromosomes now tell.
Conceived after a secret 'shotgun wedding' to an anonymous US National Riflemen's Association wackjob Bird and his fellow fledgeling twin brother David were hastily farmed out to 'adoptive' parents just as soon as the umbilical cord was cut.
A lifetime of money-laundered handouts kept the Bird family tweet - er...sweet! - until latent House of Windsor clinical paranoia emerged in the shape of Derrick Bird's obsessive greed.
As the Lake Distric community struggles to come to terms with the wackjob's lethal gun rampage this week HM Queen Elizabeth is heading for the Epsom Derby where she hopes to win a much needed packet.
Horseracing winnings have traditionally fed her stable of secret lawyers, dodgy relatives and monarchial also-rans privy to the many dreadful family secrets now oozing out into the public domain.
Charles and Camilla are to be tracked with GPS-tagged ankle-bracelets after threatening to spill all th sordid scandal details.