A secret report into the way details of news stories are 'massaged' to alter the public's perception of events, has fallen into the hands of this reporter - and, by Golly, do they make interesting reading!
The report, which focuses on the Beeb Broadcasting Company, claims that news is not only innacurately reported, but that it is 'tailored' to pander to an 'assumed public need', and even, er, 'made up'.
Central to the report's findings are the events of last Wednesday's multi murder massacre by gunman Derrick Bird, who not only killed 12 people and injured 'hundreds more', but also took it upon himself to murder '12 of the nicest people you could ever hope to meet'.
Each and every one of the 12 dead could be - and were, by the Beeb - described as 'the salt of the earth', 'lovely', 'the nicest person I knew', 'the bees' knees', 'the dog's bollox' and 'a good old fashioned down-to-earth saint'.
There were no miserable bastards.
But I can now exclusively reveal that a 'copycat incident' the very next day WAS NOT reported on by the Beeb - presumably because those killed were not fine, upstanding 'pillars of the community' of the ilk killed by Bird.
Only 24 hours after taxi nutcase Bird was cuting a swathe through several Cumbrian lakeside towns laying waste to 'angels', and whilst the Beeb was chiming its first empty eulogies, Moys Kenwood, 46, took his Winchester rifle and drove into Dudley town centre with murder on his mind.
His first step was to mow down, with more than 100 bullets, two evil and foul-smelling miscreants, John Gobb and Wayne Arfwitt, who were about to rob an old-aged pensioner waiting at a bus stop.
His next victims were a group of dole cheats who had just signed-on at the Jobcentre. The group, who were named as Colin Twatt, Arthur Dodger, James Arse and Andreas Focker, had relentlessly claimed Unemployment Benefits for a combined total of 140 years, despite being the kingpins in a successful drug supply empire for the last twenty years.
Also shot to ribbons was convicted paedophile Conrad Scheister, who had been 'bothering' children for as long as anyone could remember.
The murderer then visited his wrath upon 5 more as-yet-unnamed pieces of lowlife, before escaping to somewhere in southeast Asia. One man who knew all of the dead said:
"They were cunts. Nobody liked them. I hated them all. Indeed, verily, do I wish that I had been present to see the bullets going in."
Speaking about the claim that the Beeb sometimes reports in an innacurate, exaggerated or opinionated way, and distorts and embroiders the truth, a Beeb spokesman said:
"Like most of reports, there is not a shred of truth in that allegation!"