Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Tuesday, 1 June 2010

image for Fabio Capello's English National Team Has Been Given Some "Ball Pointers" From Dr. Andy Harland
Dr. Andy Harland in his backyard in Kew practicing the Viennese Waltz.

LONDON - Dr. Andy Harland is the designer of the new Adidas Jabulani football that will be used in the World Cup matches.

Dr. Andy, as he is called by is wife and most of his kids, said that he actually worked on the football project with a crack research study team of experts from The University of Sherwood Forest located in Nottingham.

Dr. Harland did state that unfortunately the Jabulani ball has been severely criticized by such well known players including John "Notorious Nads" Terry, Ashley "Wandering Welly" Cole, and Trevor "Coconuts" Hackabacker.

Hackabacker told a reporter for The Liverpool Scouser Gazette, Nigel Middlemucket, 43, that the new ball is without a doubt abso-bloody-lutely the numptiest, higgledy piggledy piece of rejected rubbish he has ever seen. He went on to say that it is as daft as a crumpet made of vinegar, Castor oil, and bubble gum.

Jeremy Bottomfox of The Portsmouth Pressed Poster remarked that the ball could possibly end up causing some injuries.

When asked how that could be, Bottomfox replied, that it would be due to the fact that the lads will be so upset, angry, and stressed out that they may hit the ball with the right foot when they mean to hit it with the left foot.

Mildred Hoytshire with The Manchester Morning Manc agreed. She even pointed out that the disappointment could conceivably even carry over into the individual players bedroom.

She said that she has a neighbor who has a cousin who plays on the English National Team and he told her that he is afraid that he won't be able to perform his husbandly duties due to the fact that he is as angry as that kitchen bastard Chef Ramsay.

Dr. Andy said that he provided Coach Capello with some ball insight. He said that you have to kick the Jubby, as it is nicknamed, at a geometrical intricacy which totally depends on the angle of the shoe to ball precision force point.

He went on to say that the ball must attain a certain ulterior altitude in order to properly activate the inner molecular makeup configuration in order to sufficiently enhance the ball's flight.

Once all of this occurs then the exact desired elevation needed to travel unbounded, unhindered, and unobstructed will be realized and realized abundantly.

Dr. Andy noted that the Jubby only has eight panels and is 98.9 percent lighter than the lightest football (soccer ball in America and third world countries).

A goalie for the Peruvian National Team, Manolo Villamanolo said that he hates the new ball even more than he hates his mother-in-law Carmelotta.

Dr. Harland was asked what is going to be done about all of the unhappiness with the Jubby ball. He smiled, took a sip of his tea and said, "Well to be honest. The World Cup Ball Committee really isn't going to be doing a damn thing."

When asked why. He replied that it is too late to make a change now. He noted that the WCBC has already ordered 7,000 of the Jubby balls.

He was asked so that's that then? The good doctor grinned and remarked, "That's it. All I can say is that in the words of the American President Barack "Barry" Obama, 'tough titty said the kitty.'"

In a related story. Dr. Andy Harland has just published his ninth book on English football. This one is entitled, "My Life Has Always Revolved Around Balls."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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