Ian Duncan Smith has launched a scathing attack on benefit claimants whom he described as mostly fat semi-criminals with aspirations no higher than finding the remote control or takeaway menu. Meanwhile he derided the activities of the more able as 'addiction related'.
His damning indictment follows a wide ranging review that uncovered - 'laziness', 'apathy' and a 'disconnection from reason'.
The findings represent a significant challenge for the incoming Work and Pensions secretary who has vowed to strike terror through swathes of Yorkshire, Glasgow and East London to help bring down the deficit.
His first task will be dealing with the wobbly and accident-prone obese. Aircraft, trains and public buses are to be narrowed, as are shop doorways. Farmers have also been warned to expect trespassers.
Future benefits will be linked to 'body mass index' and all Job Centres will install a 'weigh-bridge' at the entrance.