TV viewers in the UK were almost literally glued to their flatscreen TV sets as South Carolina based former pirate captain, Morse was sold off by his wife and dog for £8.38 on cheap Antiques Roadshow rip off Dickinson's Real Deal.
On hearing that she might actually make some money by selling the old booger, Mrs Morse brought the scurvy sea dog along to Dickinson's Real Deal in Gateshead, near Newcastle, and offered him for sale.
Initially, Morse was taken to that camp dealer who looks and sounds a little effeminate because he wears earrings and bangles and always seems to have his silk floral shirt unbuttoned almost to the waist. But Morse reacted badly and started to struggle, the inference being that he didn't really want to get too close to the dealer in case something untoward happened.
In a potentially gay way
Not to be outdone, Mrs Morse frogmarched the former pirate captain over to Mike Melody's table. Mike is the slightly dodgy one who is not easily parted from his wad of cash.
After looking Morse over, Mike Melody said:
"Hmmm, yes. It's a former pirate captain. Not very rare, and he's seen better days, but I can see that there's some life in the old bugger yet. An interesting piece. Tell me, do his feet smell?"
Mrs Morse replied that the former pirate captain's feet do occasionally get a bit whiffy, especially after a round of golf on a hot day, but that it wasn't such a problem and that it was the farts that she had to worry about when he's been out on the lash. Adding that the farting played havoc with the poor dog's olfactory capabilities, Mike Melody then said:
"So we've got a farty former pirate captain whose feet sometimes get whiffy. Is he any good at golf?"
"Well, he'd like to think he is," Mrs Morse replied. "But to be honest with you, he only really comes into his own on the 19th hole."
Mike Melody offered Mrs Morse two quid, telling her that she wouldn't get much more if she put him up for auction. Mrs Morse insisted that Morse was worth a little bit more than two quid, telling the wheeler-dealer that Morse was also a dab hand in the kitchen.
After some protracted haggling, which almost resulted in Mike Melody becoming apopleptic and bursting a blood vessel, a deal was struck for £8.38 and Morse was taken away for storage in an antique chest.
When asked what her thoughts were on the deal, and if she'd miss her husband, Mrs Morse said:
"As I'm in England, I'll probably celebrate the deal with tea and crumpets. Will I miss him? A little maybe, but then I hardly ever see him these days because he's always up in his study writing silly stories for celebrated satirical website theSpoof.com and laughing his ass off. And farting."
David Dickinson was said to be keeping a low profile in case somebody else mistakes him for an antique mahogany grandfather clock.
The dog, a rather charming chap did whimper a little, but overall he appeared to be relieved to be living in a fart free zone.
More as we get it.