The United Kingdom Independence Party (UKIP) has announced a major policy initiative for the forthcoming British General Election.
"We believe we have identified an area where the divisions between the United Kingdom and Europe are so fundamental that even the doziest of the electorate will see our point and stagger to the polls on the appointed day to put their humble cross against our hallowed name", ranted a florid fellow from the shires who claimed to be the next leader but three of the party. "Indeed, the very name UKIP defines our policy completely", he blathered on.
"UKIP roundly condemns the proposed European Sleep Unit. The very idea that the ESU, representing a mere 7.5 hours of standard sleep should supercede the traditional 10 hours of the Great British Kip is ludicrous, costly and inefficient, and should be rejected at any cost.
British children all over the world have never had any problems with the time-honoured system of:
12 Nods = 1 Zizz
6 Zizzes = 1 Snooze
3 Snoozes = 1 Quicknap
2 Quicknaps = 1 Nap
4 Naps = 1 Halfkip
3 Halfkips = 1 Great British Kip
Now it is proposed by the crazed bureaucrats of Brussels, they will have to learn that:
1 Nod = .000266 ESUs
1 Zizz = .00319 ESUs
1 Snooze = .00958 ESUs
1 Quicknap = .0287 ESUs
1 Nap = .0574 ESUs
1 Halfkip = .2298 ESUs
1 GBK = .678 ESUs
Do we really want to condemn our children to mental torment and sleepless nights trying to memorise such drivel?
And it is not only the kids who will suffer. The proposal for a compulsory minimum sleep allocation of 15 CentiESUs (whatever they are supposed to be) per working shift can only add confusion and yet another level of costly bureaucracy to our already immensely complicated and convoluted employment laws, driving yet more firms out of business. Furthermore it takes away the workers' hard won rights of taking a zizz or two, or even a quicknap whenever they can get away with it, thus leaving them dog tired and unable to turn up for their traditional tax free moonlighting jobs.
The Great British Kip must be saved. UKIP has initiated a series of wildcat halfkips in key sectors of the economy to make our point. If these do not lead to the proposals being withdrawn then we shall mobilise to the full for an immediate and indefinite mass sleep in.