After a weekend of tabloid SHOCKS involving the Duchess of York's crass-for-access foibles, the Queen has pulled out all the stops in a bid to battle the news cycle.
Unconfirmed reports indicate Buckingham Palace will announce that Wallis Simpson will be granted HRH status and that a photographs of her will be removed from dart boards at Sandringham and Balmoral.
Doubling down, the Palace strategy will also see her remains will exhumed, given a new coat of paint, and put on display at Kensington Palace, wearing several of her most famous couture tuxedos. The current exhibition of Diana's Dresses will be provided to a charity shop in Blackpool for safe keeping and returned to display in three hundred years, subject to demand.
A reporter posing as a Middle Eastern record producer also claims Elton John has been approached to rework the lyrics to "The Bitch is Back" to commemorate the occasion.
"The feeling at the moment," said a highly placed courtier, "is that on balance we may have been a bit hard on old Wally. I mean, what did she do, really? I suppose it might have been different in Andrew Morton hadn't been in diapers in her day but as it is, she came, she poached, she left. Put that up against Panorama and Ex-Spouse Roadshow and Wallis looks extraordinarily suitable."
The move follows an Order in Council banning members of the Royal Family and their discredited ex-spouses from trading on eBay, part of a series of new series of measures aimed at saving assorted relations from other obvious harms. The latest item on the black list: Knock Knock Jokes.