Written by Skoob1999
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Sunday, 23 May 2010

image for Nostalgia On The Wane As Old People Forget What They Were Getting Nostalgic About
Memories My Arse! It's Mammaries I Crave!

If you are fortunate enough to be able to recall when this country last had a Labour government, Manchester United were a successful football team and beer was only £3.00 a pint, then you're probably one of the dying breed of individuals afflicted with nostalgia.

Nostalgia - the act of fond remembrance of times gone by, is dying out faster than rainforests and corner shops, according to nostalgia expert Dr Yaroslav Yesterdayev of Krakow College Of Rusty Bolt Loosening.

"It's the old folks," he told us. "They get to a point where they forget what they were getting nostalgic about. And then they get all cranky and frustrated because they've forgotten how it feels to feel good. That's when the temper tantrums start up. They'll be grumpy and irritable. They have been known to throw dinner plates on the floor and even bite people. Usually on the hand, where it really hurts. Especially if they've got their dentures in."

Further research has proved beyond any doubt that Dr Yesterdayev is correct in his findings, with an added twenty-first century twist - modern old people refuse to accept that they are getting old. So as such, they don't feel nostalgic, they feel like years ago was this morning, and this morning was when Abba topped the charts. They don't see their 'wobbly bits' or the grey hair, or the baldness, and they still think their kids are spoilt brats. Even when their 'kids' are 44 years old.

"It's a lost generation," Dr Yesterdayev said sadly. "This generation can't comprehend how Debbie Harry turned into a little old lady, where Joanna Lumley's wrinkles came from, or why Ryan Giggs can't run at 150mph any more and is going a bit bald. This is the first generation in the history of humanity that thinks it hasn't changed. Sad bastards..."

Ah yes. I remember it well. Bits of it.

More as we get it

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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