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Tuesday, 22 February 2005

image for Harold Shipman - "How Do You Hang Sir?"
Harold Shipman - A cut Above Your Average GP

The manager of a gentleman's tailor, who provided trousers worn by serial killer Harold Shipman went on trial today, accused of failing the public.

A disciplinary hearing was told that Gupty Singh -- also a part-time Karaoke club manager -- from Hyde, Cheshire, allegedly failed to notice unusual clothing patterns and therefore failed in his duty to protect a gullible public from the depraved monster.

The committee alleges that Shipman requested, "a most unusual amount of Harris Tweed," and suggested that had Mr. Singh refused these requests, there is a good chance that Dr. Shipman's lack of lower body attire may have prevented him leaving his house, thus potentially sparing the lives of up to 250 people.

In breaking news, it appears that Dr. Shipman's barber may also be subject to an inquiry after it transpired that had he not regularly trimmed the Demon Doctor's fringe, there is a good chance he may have had his vision interfered with by the sheer length of his hair, perhaps causing him to accidentally walk into an upright object, for example a lampost, which probably would have broken his glasses, leaving him unable to see the syringes required to carry out his murderous rampage.

Entries in the Barbershop's Controlled Haircut register suggest that Shipman had more than 42 haircuts in 15 years. Spokesman for the Crown Prosecution Service, Peter C. Plod, stated that such a number of haircuts should have, "At least aroused suspicion."

The news follows on from the inquiry into Shipman's local pharmacist who, according to a spokesman, "May as well have wielded the syringes of death himself," after it was discovered he had inadvertently made the mistake of trusting a trusted Doctor.

A spokesman for the Guild of Forensic Psychologists today said, "At the end of the day, we don't want to scare the public. It's important that despite the fact that Shipman was clearly deranged, people realise that Doctor's can still be trusted without question. Look at some of the long words they use, or the way they touch together their fingertips, pursing their lips and nodding in empathy as you explain symptoms to them.
"In this case, the blame clearly lies at the door of Shipman's pharmacist, tailor and barber. Look at the traditional barber's pole for example - red and white, or ‘blood and bandages'. Need I say more?"

The spokesman added, "Everyone knows, or should know that the great majority of heinous crimes are committed by the great unwashed. Middle or upper classed people - a social demographic to which most doctors belong - are frankly not capable of such despicable acts.
"At the end of the day, such pillars of the community are what keep the wheels of society turning. Their opinions are far more important due to their mastery of the English language and their feelings of self-importance. The last thing this country needs is the flotsam and jetsom of society questioning the judgements and opinions of the middle and upper classes."
The spokesman added, "God Save the King," before weeping into his handkerchief.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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