London - (News of the Screwz): Tuesday's glorious Glib Dem/Con freakshow is on the skids.
Sordid money-grubbing revelations about Sarah, Duchess of Yuck pimping for Prince Andrew have sent HM's blood pressure rocketing.
A fresh installment threatens to publish DNA results showing 'Sarah' is really former Labour tosspot Neil Kinnock's daughter.
And her prince charming Andrew is Max Mosley's son!
The grubby extortion racket they have run since her 1983 royal wedding has seen this branch of the Ratzinger clan rake in over £100 million in UK taxpayer handouts.
The annual benefits circus includes £250,000 for royal protection racket officers to guard scroungers Princess Eugenie and Beatrice.
The Yuck family's grace and favor apartments in St James's Palace and Buck House are worth an annual £25 million in commercial rents.
Royal patronage in the form of charity appearances, freeby first class travel and Xmas booze hampers from Harrabs department store rake in another £10 million.
And proceeds from the Duchy's staple embezzlement and money laundering activities run at an estimated £5 million per annum.
However these have been drying up considerably since the fall of golden nest egg accounts at Northern Crock Bank and Royal Bank of Snotland.
The Queen has been holed up in Windsor this weekend, huddled in a posse of KGB advisers and Hellfire Club clairvoyants.
Cyber spreadbetting agents Aintgottaprayer.con go even money on Tuesday's State Opening of Parliament being cancelled due to 'unforseen circumstances'.
Charles and Camilla are shitting bricks.