Written by Lady Godiva
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Topics: Weather, Summer

Saturday, 22 May 2010

image for 82 F Temperature soon to set Britain sizzling - Middlesbrough residents in frenzied shopping mode
To wear this style of sandal, some lads will have to cut holes in their white socks

Brits are reeling (with excitement) over the recent news that temperatures will soon soar to as high as 82 F.

People in Middlesbrough, especially residents of Berwick Hills, are rushing out to Primark, Matalan and other such high class boutiques, to buy new summer clothes.

Sun tan lotion, fake tanners, lager and vodka are flying off the shelves at the local Morrisons as folk prepare for the heatwave.

Residents are packing away their woolly jumpers and, even 'trackie bottoms' are being replaced by 'long shorts with pockets in them'.

Some men we interviewed admitted they will be buying their first pair of sandals this year, as temperatures soar, but refuse to give up their white socks just yet.

Hairy white legs will soon be appearing all over Morrisons and Iceland.

Two women, know to some SPOOF readers, Takwana Smith and Anitakapita Jones, of Cargo Fleet have confessed that they have 'started their tans alread, with fake tan creams'.

They really didn't HAVE to tell us. Their orange, streaked skin told the whole story.

"It's gonna be ded gud," said one teenage boy, "but me an' my lads don' really wanna give up our 'oodies coz it's like our uniform, yer know worra mean? Yeah! We'll go wi' the shorts an everyfing, but our 'oodies must stay."

This comment was follwed his 20+ mates chanting,

"Oodies must stay! Oodies must stay! Oodies must stay!" whilst punching at the air with their right fists. A few 'left' fists were punching because some still don't know right from left.

As we moved around Berwick hills we came across two men digging a big hole in a back garden. When asked why, one man said,

"Well it's gonna be a swimming pool in'i'? We 'ave to put a lining in o'course. We're stickin' all our Morrisons' plastic bags together. Tha' should do the trick shoudn' i'?"

His neighbour, who was helping him dig, commented,

"Yeah, we'll be jus' like all them rich buggers who 'ave swimmin' pools in'i' like? See! We're not tha' stupid."

When asked how they were going to keep their pools bacteria free etc. one answered,

"A just told yer we're not stupid. We fought o' tha' and already 'ave loads o' bo'les of bleach in our wash'ouse. We'll chuck some in won' we? Like, arf a bo'le every night."

We'll keep our eye on these misguided folk and bring you 'more as this story unfolds'.

Make Lady Godiva's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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